Tania Roux: Left a wedding (drunk) and called the groom Wayne instead of Nick. Good friends of ours too. True story!

Michelle Mollett: "When are you due?" And she's not.

Padmini Bhikha: When I asked my grey haired gynae if the kids in the photos in his office were his grandchildren and he replied " Those are my kids, I am still young enough to produce not only to deliver"

Ayanda Khumalo: ?"Shut UP" I said that to my mother-in-law when she was scolding my son for breaking a window...I mean yes she had to do it but it was too much for me to take it.

Antoinette Marais: I phoned a company to speak to their manager. The lady said unfortunately he is late. I asked her what time will he be at the office? She said he is LATE, he passed away. I felt so embarrassed!

Tesh Pillay: when my daughter was too young to understand what sanitary pad was I told her it was mommy’s diaper, only to find it all over the living room floor and finding her telling my father in law that these are mommy’s diapers I was soooo embarrassed

Tanja Gerber Weber: As a young beauty therapy student, the lecturer was demonstrating "extractions", (beautician speak for squeezing your pimples) and i piped up from the back "clear the building, we're gonna pop this sucker". The shocked silence was deafening.

Refiloe Bahumi: Said to a mother of a girl in my class. Congratulations! (For pregnancy) she wasn't pregnant. I started laughing and apologising at the same time out of embarrassment. Luckily she laughed with me!

Nina Same: It was earth hour so my housemates and I played truth or dare. I don't know how but I confessed to urinating in the shower, they were mortified, was so embarrassed. They made me use dettol on the shower floor after showering for weeks!

And the winner is…
Thando Kubheka: I said "Ayoba" right after praying for dinner instead of saying "Amen" and my mom gave me the strangest look ever.

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. 

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' 
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...

Two elderly gentlemen

From a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
‘really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Hospital regulations

Require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties

Are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure....’ 
‘don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs... She stares at the plate for a moment. 
'Where's my toast?’

A senior citizen

Said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
‘well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
‘why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 
‘because she can still drive!'

Three old guys

Are out walking?
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer....’

Morris,

An 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more.. . .! 

A little old man

Shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and he pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE..
I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID....        WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!

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I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?" 

Yes they too walk amoungt us!

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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....

'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.

She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.......'

They Walk Among Us!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the

sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned....

They Walk Among Us !

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'....

(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and

the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces;

I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.’

Charmer : Hello
Swtgal : Hey
Charmer : asl?
Swtgal : 15.f. Sosha , n u?
Charmer : Mmmh nyc, 52.M. Sosha, ko di L
Swtgal : lol, 52, u so old
Charmer : Yeah! Im into young gals, is tht a problem?
Swtgal : Are u married?
Charmer : I've got a daughter, she's in her r oo m doing her skul work wit a frend
Swtgal : Y r u flirting with gals of ma age?
Charmer : I lyk younger gals,
Swtgal : That's kinda weird, bt k lol...I like older guys, we shuld hook up
Charmer : Tht wuld b nyc, maybe 2moro...I can drive u wherever like wonderpark mall...
Swtgal : No I have skul 2moro
Charmer : Kwl, maybe on a weekend, skul is important
Swtgal : Speaking of skul, let me get back to my Project
I don't want ma dad to find out m online, he wuld get mad
Charmer : Wat r you working on? Maybe I can help
Swtgal : It's a Life Orientation, m doing it with ma frend
Charmer : Wat kinda Life Orientation homework?
Swtgal : We have to study about animals live in Ocean, a research project
Charmer :Where r u in Sosha?
Swtgal :ko di L, y ?
Charmer : Dimakatso????
Swtgal : iyo Papa???
Charmer > Offline…..

I think ladies would be much interested in this one. There is a new
language that is being used by Men out there.
So check this out.

Sipho was shopping with his wife at Pick N Pay the other day when
suddenly he bumped into his friend Nathi.

After greeting and a small chat this is the conversation that went through..

Nathi: So, Sipho, last time I saw you, you were going to Caesars
PIZZA, how did you go?

Sipho: Very bad, my favorite PIZZA was not there that day.

Nathi: Mhhh, interesting, so what did you do then?

Sipho: Well, I decided to go to Big Daddy's restaurant for a BURGER.
Eish, when I arrived there, the door was locked.

Nathi: Agh Shame my friend, that's bad.

Sipho: Ah well, I had to finally go to the café and got myself PAP and
STEW.

After a while when Nathi was gone, Sipho's wife wanted to know what
was the whole conversation about.

Sipho: Well you see honey, that's what we sometimes do during lunch.
We go out and eat at restaurants.

Well the Lady was happy with the answer.

EXPLANATIONS:
PIZZAS (GIRLFRIENDS) = Taste good all the time.
BURGER (MISTRESS) = Eaten often now and then.
PAP and STEW (WIFE) = Eaten when there is absolutely nothing else on
offer.

KWAZE KWANZIMA EMHLABENI UKUBA UWIFE

(IT'S VERY HARD TO BE A WIFE IN THIS WORLD)

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say,"It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

This is to all my friends…
who are always there for me…
 

Who will hold me when I am scared…
Who will share their Num num’s with me…
Who listen to my problems….
And who give me a lift when I need it…
Who forgive me when I have been bad….
And for just saying hi once in a while…
Always remember…

if someone is giving you a hard time, let me know…

I will send reinforcements to kick some butt……
Have an awesome day!!!!!!